I’m Maya!  So I speak at a lot of events, I’ve stood in front of thousands and talked at length about so many different things. This though, this feels different. This feels more vulnerable, more real. Less “Karen’s daughter” and more “Just Maya”. So while it does feel like more pressure, it also feels so welcoming. It’s calm and open and loving and you can feel it in the air- the acceptance is palpable. Hearing peoples stories always stuck with me when I was young, so I’m hoping this will stick with at least one person- one person is all it takes.  

I probably have one of the most supportive family systems you could ask for, other than them actually being gay themselves. They had always been open and supportive of LGBTQ rights, always vocal on it not being an issue if any of us did come out, and very clearly have no issue now. I had every support net in place a young bi girl could ask for, and yet, when I realized for the first time I liked a girl- I cried in the attic for 3 days. I cried because even knowing that you are supported, and will be accepted by family and friends, the world is still hostile. Its scary, there's a target on peoples backs, and I already had enough of them as the “girl who get sick a lot in the special classes”  I cried because I knew some people wouldn't understand,- some Family won’t understand. and I cried because I barely understood. I cried because I knew this would change the way the world looks at me. 

Anyway that shook me up so much I shoved that to the back of my head- until my junior year of HS, where I had the quintessential queer girl experience of a much too close female friendship that ended catastrophically, that reminded me of that moment in 6th grade. All of a sudden, literally everything flew into place and made sense- I'm not imagining this hurt, this loss. I'm not crazy or obsessed, I like her. As I came to terms with this and told various people and family members, it got real, and with it came the bad with the good. I cut my hair senior year to donate and of course the immediate talk is that “ shes a lesbian, she wants to be a boy, she looks gay etc.”  as if that's something to be whispered and spoken about in hushed voices down hallways.  

Also, sidenote, how do the bullies know we're gay before we do?? truly baffling.

Generally, I cycled through friend groups every couple of years, and threw myself into activism and politics and clubs. I was in all of these activities, all these groups, looking for that sense of self, an identity to hold onto. Now I now I was looking for home, for where I belonged. 

After highschool ended I lived in NYC for about a year, with every type of person you could think of. I had never really had a group, had that vibe of easy connection with people- until then. The program I was in had an LGBT meetup, so I went - because I was in a new city, where no one had any preconceived notions of who I am or who I was or who my mom is. Talking freely about gender, sexuality, relationships, neurodiversity, art, and how all of these intersect and come together to create MY personal queerness- is something I will never forget. Coming home and making more gay friends and going to events, parties, and meetups - I realized how open it is, and how truly accepting everyone is. You don't need to explain, you don't need to open yourself up to scrutiny and questioning by bringing up a topic because everyone else is already well versed in it too. I can say sometimes I feel like  a girl in the way a tomato is a fruit, and that will hit home with people, and not need further explanation. The ability to be yourself, no explanation, and being surrounded by actual understanding- true, deep, to the core understanding- is a feeling I will never get tired of.

Figuring out I was queer was like putting on glasses for the first time. The community has taught me I'm not wired wrong, my wires are just a rainbow. I'm not going to stop “acting gay”, the same way you don't ask people to take off their glasses and acting like they need them. Yeah they may be able to see without them, but not as well, and are likely confused about all the things people are seeing and talking about. You don't tell people to take their glasses off because you might catch bad eyesight, you don't tell us to take off glasses because you don't like being reminded there are people who need them. I will not hide my queerness, because its not something to be ashamed of. I am proud of every aspect of who I am, my queerness, my disability, my creativity, and my ability to speak freely about all of these things! I really hope that I can show others its okay to showcase who they are, and proudly. We are in a time again where it’s scary to be this open, this vulnerable- but what keeps me going is thinking of the kids who need to see it. They need to see themselves in us, see their futures and what they have to look forward to. We have to protect them, and show them what they can be, who they can become! Because the kids will change the world, Gen z is just a box full of matches waiting to be lit. It’s our job to help them start the fire.